“In a surprising twist that could only be scripted in Hollywood (but wasn’t), Mark Wahlberg has decided to leave Tinseltown’s elite union, citing creative differences with the industry’s collective stance on personal beliefs. Wahlberg, now teaming up with Clint Eastwood and Mel Gibson, took a lighthearted jab at the industry with his signature humor.

‘It’s funny,’ Wahlberg quipped during an impromptu press conference at his favorite burger joint. ‘In Hollywood, you can believe you’re a superhero, a spy, or even a talking teddy bear, but the moment you express your actual faith, you might as well be an alien from another planet.’ He added with a grin, ‘They didn’t cast me in ‘E.T.’ for a reason.’

Wahlberg, known for his roles in blockbuster hits, made it clear that he’s not abandoning acting, just the industry’s narrow-mindedness. ‘Look, I’m not saying I want to start a church in every movie set, but is it too much to ask for a bit of faith and fellowship between takes? Maybe a rosary between the explosions?’ He added in jest, ‘Clint and Mel told me we’re forming our union—Union of the Faithful Filmmakers, or UFF for short.

Our first rule? No judgments unless you’re the judge in a courtroom drama.’ And as Wahlberg heads into this brave new era alongside his un-woke compadres, he does so with hope. ‘I believe in miracles, hard work, and a good laugh can bridge any divide. I’m pretty sure Clint’s got some divine intervention on speed dial.’ You may not be the biggest fan, but there is no denying Mark Wahlberg is making a stand—in this way or the other, for that matter—movie by movie, deep in faith. And he is doing it the ‘Wahlberg’ way—with that sly smile and a wink.”